4 corn thins wit tuna and tomato, salt and pepper - 149 cals
1 orange with yoghurt - 53 cals
Plan for dinner:
Daily total = 999.5 cals
Im feeling good about this. Boot camp tonight too. I didn't go to my class this arvo. I am going to do uni work at home instead and get some 1000 cal day plans organized. Its so goddamn cold!
32 days until Fiji.
1000 Calories a day.
Exercise 4 times a week. 3 at the absolute minimum.
I was reading on the internet and a woman said she lost 20lbs in a month on 1000 calories a day. I don't know how much she weighed in the first place but my goad is to lose at least 10lbs. Weigh day tomorrow.
1000 calories seems like a good number. Its not extreme and exhausting like 200 calories a day was. I will lose slowly and not spin myself into a frazzled and exhausted state that will likely lead to binging and purging (as it usually does). My boyfriend (who I live with) won't worry that Im not eating enough... and I will lose weight in a controlled and safe (not sick) way.
Today is somewhat a test day, were I will formulate a diet plan of 1000 calories a day and write a grocery list for Friday, I will still stick to my 1000 calorie limit but it won't be as ridged. I started writing again last night in my old journal. I was reading through and found a suicide note I wrote in 2010. It was upsetting to read. I didn't even mention my mum. But I'm still here and see it as a reminder of were I don't want to go again.
So far today:
1 small green apple = 60 cals
2/3 cup Whole oats = 200 cals
1 tsp honey = 20 cals
100ml light blue milk = 50 cals
Pinch of cinnamon
2 cups of coffee with 25ml light blue milk = 12.5 cals
Total = 342.5 calories
Remaining = 657.5 calories
I feel empty and I don't know why.
Over the last 4 weeks something has changed in me. I feel alone. Its almost like every area of my life is unstable.
University is not going well. I want to give up. My interest is diminishing. I used to be able to deal with the fact that I have no friends there, to compensate I would just work and work to be the best. Now I can't even bring myself to do the work. The only problem is that it is paid for with a student loan. So if I leave and come back I will have to pay again. I do want to finish the degree but its pointless if I don't put in 110%...my mindset is not were it needs to be right now.
Why is it that when I decide to stop using drugs and alcohol that I lose my few friends. After making that decision just over a month ago I have barely seen my best friend, who is an alcoholic....if I want to do and achieve what I want in my life I can't be around people like that. My boyfriends reaction: Well what did you expect?... He too is also using more and more and its pulling us apart....
So I am alone.
I decided to start running. My goal is to exercise four times a week for six weeks then take it down to three times. The problem is I have been binging. Its like all this stuff going on and being stuck in my head alone all the time is getting to me. I have been so tiered and just want to stop. The idea is to lose weight. I have been too scared to weigh myself so have decided to wait for the 6 week mark. I definitely am fitter. Thinner I'm not sure.
I just want to leave this space. I have had suicidal thoughts although I know its not the answer. I just feel so lonely and depressed and don't know what to do. I need new friends....
I do have a business idea that I am working on that would get me were I want to be....I wish I could leave uni and just do it.... I don't know. I could, but it would cost me... If I waited till the summer holiday I could set it up and open and it won't cost me....I just don't know if I can handle going on like this for now cause if it was to get any worse I would not be in a state to start a successful business....
I am feeling down again. Its been months since I have felt this way.
Today at my lecture I put my hand up and said something and a group of people laughed at me. I can't get it off my mind. Arguing with myself if it was a stupid thing to say or not. It wasn't, just the way I said it was...and a point of view that no one else can seem to grasp. I feel stupid and lonely at uni. There is a disconnection between my thoughts and what actually comes out of my mouth.
Last Friday we had a lunch put on by the president of the school. I got myself a plate and as I was walking outside towards the masses of people I realized I had no one to sit with. I went back inside and found a table and sat there by myself trying to eat as fast as possible so I could get back to work. Four people came and sat at my table and I continued to eat, a girl asked me my name and introduced herself in a very in your face and excited manner...I assumed she was a foundation student based on her extreme enthusiasm, she asked me what year I was and I told her I was year two...I then asked if she was a foundation student....turns out she and her friends are year four. Oops. I felt so embarrassed and somewhat intimidated...so I ate even faster while looking down. All of a sudden about twelve year fours swooped in and took over the table and its surrounding areas. I wish I just ate in my studio. They all knew each other and where talking loudly and being quite rude to me as I sat there very uncomfortable and alone. I cried on the way home that day.
Maybe I am just having a bad few weeks? Maybe the side effects of depression/mental health complications from my medication are taking affect? Maybe its exhaustion? Im not sure but I hate feeling this way.
I have had suicidal thoughts in the last few weeks... romanticizing the act of ending my life as a human being during this insignificant time. They are only thoughts in my head and I intend to take them no further then that at this time.
I have been sick. Last week I did a 52 hour week on my own accord and think I am getting sick because of it. I split my toenail. Bladder infection. Swollen glands in neck. Sore ear/throat. Headaches. Decreased appetite. Exhaustion. Ingrown toenail which now is infected toe. Constant pain in my back after being up for 4 hours. Doctors tomorrow afternoon.
Losing weight seems to enter my thoughts more often. Seeing all the girls at school makes me strive to eat less. When I am at school I tend to have a tight regime as far as diet goes to maximize my performance and my body naturally falls to the weight range that is natural for me. This is good. I do not weigh myself anymore, or haven't for months anyway....I know I have dropped but I fear that once I get to the weight my body wants to be that I will use it as a starting point to push it further therefore delving back in to eating disordered behavior.
I don't know. Maybe I am just over thinking everything and need to sleep.
I wish Ben was here to distract me.
Yesterday did not go exactly to plan. I was craving sweet food and ended up having a coconut chocolate, 8 sugar coated gummy lollies in the afternoon and at about 10pm 1/5th of a danish and 1/2 cup of acidophilus yoghurt with strawberries and honey. Its not the end of the world.... but still. The rest of the day food wise went well. I did a 4.3km walk but did not do pilates. Today will be better.
My friend came over yesterday. I would call her my best friend as we see each other alot. It had been a few days since I saw her last and things where strange. We didnt have much to say and things where dull.
It is different now I am sober. I feel annoyed at her.
There is alot of anger in me right now and its making me unwilling to put up with her behavior.
The seems oblivious to common sensical decencies. For example, respecting my dads house, my family home.
One thing she said that was notable was:
"I cant imagine what it would be like to be an alcoholic"
....I was shocked. She is an alcoholic. Drinking 1-3 bottles of wine a day between 5 and 7 days per week constitutes an alcoholic. When you drink when you are supposed to drive home, on an occasion that it is not appropriate to drink and relying on your friends to take you in or drive you home makes you an alcoholic. Evading your responsibilities so you can drink makes you an alcoholic. Getting yourself into debt and borrowing money of my boyfriend to pay your rent yet still continuing to buy alcohol makes you an alcoholic.
She has problems. Mental problems. Her mother is manic depressant and she is a spitting image of her mother. Although she knows she has issues she does not seem to understand them and how it affects her and everyone around her. It is wearing thin. Especially when I have my own issues to deal with. I want to be her friend and I dont want to be mean but there is a point when you need to draw the line.
It seems like the shine in me and my boyfriends relationship is beginning to ware. The initial excitement is dulling down to reality. It is a good thing. I love him and want to be with him. I just need to insure we continue to move forward.
I am beginning to feel very isolated and I dont think its good for us. Its not him its me. We have been seeing eachother every single day for almost two months now which has taken a toll on my social life. I have not been in contact with the people who I used to spend time with, and now I am not getting along with my family and my best friend its taking a toll.
I dont want to feel depressed and lonely and I know its up to me to change that. Being on holidays from uni, not working, being sober and having an abundance of time is not doing me any favors. It will be better when I get back to uni, move out of home and have a more structured lifestyle. Right now I feel like I want to leave the country and start somewhere new and fresh and exciting. No ties to the past. But I will finish my degree. If anything, all the things I have given up on uni will not be one of them... But after that I think I would like to leave this place. 3 more years to go. Wow. I will almost be 24 by that time.
My sister and I had an argument this morning. As we do every day. She asked me if I ate some of her yoghurt. I thought it was yoghurt dad brought at the grocery store. I denied it and got yelled at. I lied. I then told her I did eat it and still got yelled at and asked to pay her $3. I told her no and that I was trying to illustrate the point that no matter if I ate it or not I would still get yelled at. It wasnt about the yoghurt, she just wanted to argue with me and taint my day as she does every day. As if the fat bitch needs it. She could survive purely on the fat of her body for 6 months. Her body makes me feel sick.
I know its wrong to focus on her weight and how much I hate her, it only makes me more angry thinking of it. I need to change my mindset. The yoghurt thing was pathetic anyway. What is she the food police? Jesus.
Anyway I need to go start my day :-)
My sister and dad are not home now. Today is going to be a good day.
Yesterday was the beginning and I feel good about it.
I ate in a proactive way and pushed myself hard when I was running and doing floor exercises. Muscles feeling a little sore today. I was going to sign up at the gym this morning but ive decided that ill just walk and do pilates instead then go to the gym tomorrow. I will sign up for a month and go 5 days per week. If I push myself, reaching my goal will be easy.
I wish I had a different family. I know that abstinence is making me feel so down. Its like i'll cry at the drop of a hat. The feeling gets a little better each day but I am reminded of why I cant live here anymore, it gets stronger and stronger the more sober I become. When I leave I will cut off contact and that will be that. The decision has been made and it is irreversible. Enough is enough.
I want to be 60kg when I turn 21 on February 13th. Last time I went to the doctors I was 64.8kg.
My medication suppresses my appetite and so long as I stay sober and continue not to smoke (day 2) this should be relatively simple if I stick to the plan.
I have 35 days to make this happen.
Tomorrow I will go grocery shopping to prepare.
Today so far I have had:
2 vogals toast - both with marge, one honey and the other marmite
I plan to have acidophilus yogurt as a snack then a vegetable based dinner.
I would like to do a 1-2 week detox meaning fruit and vegetables with tuna, lentils green tea and juice. No processed food. Just to kick start my weight loss and clean out my body of toxins.
Exercise minimum 1 time per week but aim for 3. Running followed by floor exercises and stretches.
I just heard my sister talking to her boyfriend and saying she really wants to move out. Thank fucking god! Then she says.... 'so how are we going to pay for it? Like half and half?' Jesus renee. I hope they do move out. I cannot live here much longer if they are hear. I am sick to death of the way I am treated by both of them.
I will look into gym membership too.
5kgs 35days. I will post my progress. :-)
I vomited up my dinner tonight. I don't know why. The urge was just there.
I can't sleep. It's 2am and I'm wide awake. My boyfriend is sleeping beside me.
Today was the first sober day I have had since... Well I actually can't remember the first sober day I have had in a long time.
I have been thinking about heroin. How it would feel to not feel. I think I would take the opportunity if it came about. I know that's wrong but if I'm being honest...
There is a fury that's eating me. I have am itch to get the fuck out of here and live. Every day has become exactly the same. Wake up 2pm, have sex, 4pm shower, eat, take pills, back to bed, go out spend money on shit I don't want or need, back to bed, watch a movie, have sex, watch a movie, sleep. I need to do something more stimulating.
It feels like my story should be under minded. Everyone has had a 'tough life' so how could mine have been so severe? Maybe it's because people don't know my story so it's easy to undermine and see their own as more severe. It makes me feel sad and alone. Not that I want pity, I just want understanding and encouragement to live the best life possible. A molested child from a broken home who had an eating disorder, suicidal, drug addicted prostitute...and all before my 21st birthday. I guess it just depends on how you paint it... I could also say I am a beautiful young woman, creative fine arts student, intelligent and likable. That took me a while. It is easier to be pessimistic... But hey I know a lot of people who's lives are a lot worse than mine. Drug addicted mainly, alcoholics, sex addicts, violent, self harming, criminals.... anti-intellectualism. In the end does all that matter? Maybe I should get myself some different fucking friends? I see myself as an accepting person however so it would seem wrong...and they are my friends...
...then again I am one of the people I have just described..
Perhaps it would be best to actually do the best for myself?
Now I will turn over cuddle ben and fall asleep.
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I weighed. 66.4kg. I have gained 6.5 kg since January. Unbelievable. But its ok. Brings me back to one of my favorite pass times. Losing weight.
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Day 3 of sobriety, I almost broke it by having a sesh but procrastinated until it passed. I refused to have a splif with my flatmates to avoid smoking a cigarette. I told them I would have a bong. So glad that tomorrow is day 4 rather than day 1 again.
Tomorrow is weigh day. I am anxious but have allowed a max weight of 70kg which would be totally ridiculous so that way I wont be disappointed. I am hoping to be under 66 at least... Maybe 65. I just want to be 59 again, it's my number.
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