I am losing the will to face this world on my own.
6th day and I havn't been doing too bad at all. Today I am going to a doctor to get antibiotics for a UTI....I am also going to attempt to convince the doctor to let me trial Duromine. I have massive doubts anyone woud put me on it but my plan is to say somehing like: Tell me about duromine? I have issues with binge eating and would like to trial it for about a month as I would like to lose about 8kg, I exercise regularly but have issues controlling my appetite, resulting in a weight gain of 5 kg in about 3 months - I feel as though durimine would assist in my weight loss and help me to take control of my eating habbits. I have done reasearch on Duromine and am aware of the side effects - what do you think of the possibility of putting me on a highly monitored trial?
Hmmmm. I am expecting a big NO, but hope like hell I get a doctor who is willing to help me out here! Wish me luck. x
Day 4. I have stuck to my plan. I have been eating mostly fruit and vegetables and have been successful in eating less carbs. If I was to perfect my current regime it would be to snack less. Snacks are usually fruit, yoghurt and 1-2 tbsp maple syrup and carrots. I would like to buy some batteries for my scales so I can keep track of my weight over time, so I will do so this weekend.
It all seems so slow. I feel so cold and tired and just want to go to bed. I have a bladder infection and need to go to the doctors, I want to ask my doctor about Duromine. I would really like to go on it for a period of 1-2 months. With little appetite and a lot of energy I feel like I could overcome binge-eating, be more productive due to increased energy, lose weight and feel better about myself overall. But I know that my doctor would never prescribe me that medication. I am not considered over weight but could stand to lose the 8-9kg I have put on over the last year and a 1/2. I will try. I exercise more than your average person yet have been gaining weight - so if I could get a handle on my eating habits, with the assistance of Duromine I could achieve my weight loss goal. ARGH. It just seems so necessary. I will continue to stick to my plan and I hope to lose between .5-1kg per week over the next 3 1/2 months.
Watching television the other day I saw a woman who was suggested to have borderline personality disorder. I could see features of her in me and it has sparked a curiosity.
I don't want to label myself as something I am not. I don't want to mould my symptoms into something that has been defined. So I am trying to be as objective as possible about this. I started to research what the disorder is classified as in order to see if my resonance with the woman was anything worth investigating. The results are quite mixed. I have felt, attest since I was 14 (7 1/2 years), that there was something not quite right with me, but have never had a definitive answer to why the hell I have such a hard time just being 'normal'.
I have done multiple online quiz's as an indication and all have resulted in a high likeliness of severe borderline personality disorder. I would like to research more to see if this is something I can dismiss as me being a hypochondriac.
One quiz looking at a broad field of personality disorders was helpful...
( Quiz results...Collapse )
I thought I would write out my 'symptoms', if you will, to help with objectivity:
Frequent periods of severe depression
Feelings of emptiness
Compulsive over eating, bulimia, anorexic behaviors, compulsive spending, drug abuse
Suicidal thoughtsArgumentative and angry towards family
Anti-social - have little/no friends, find it difficult to relate to others
Paranoid when alone - hearing things that aren't there, worried about peoples perceptions of me
Unusual train of thought - views and ideologies as well as actual train of thought is not typical
Exhausted a lot of the time
Always feel the need to be in an intense relationship
Unstable behavior measured over long period of time
Afraid of being alone/lonely
Unable to manage stress
Hold high expectations for myself that cannot often be obtained
History of self-destructive behavior/self-punishment
Does anyone know about borderline personality disorder that could point me in the right direction with my concerns?
As I said I do not want to fit myself into something I am not. If this is what I have, if anything, I would gain an awareness that I never had before. I would be able to manage my life better and reach for the right kind of support.
And that is all I have to say about that.
Change is about.
Over the last 3 or so months I have been losing it. I am depressed, paranoid, stressed, emotional, lonely, exhausted, angry, sad and unstable. I have even contemplated suicide at times. I hate my body. Although I continue to run I have been finding comfort in food, and over eating has now become a habit I have failed to break. Gaining weight I so desperately want to lose only makes my self esteem plummet as I close the door behind me on this vicious cycle. I have formed an even deeper irrational fear of almost everything.
It is time once again to focus on losing weight and gaining my self-confidence back. It is clear to me that exercise is not the issue. I can maintain that, I can even say that I am reasonably fit, but so long as I keep eating I will not lose weight. Its the food habits that must change or I will continue on this downward spiral.
Last night I stumbled across this photograph and it sparked something in me. A determination I have not felt for a long time.
I am now ready to fight the fight and win, for the last goddamn time. My goal or time frame I have set for myself is Christmas. I must not starve, I will do this right and find the balance between continuous weight loss and extreme behavior that backfires time and time again.
This week I will begin my journey with predominantly fruit and vegetables taking a minimalistic approach to carbohydrates such as oats, bread, rice and pasta. Red meat is not off the menu however lean amounts can be eaten up to 3 times per week. Nuts, seeds, tofu, dairy and tuna will also be apart of my diet, sidelining whole foods. Drink a minimum of 1 litre of water per day.
Exercise 3 - 4+ times per week, from the following list.
Running, Pilates, 1 hour of Resistance Exercises, Yoga, Walking.
Based on this menu and exercise I expect to lose about .5kg per week on average and perhaps even up to 1kg. I currently have no scale batteries but will get some as I would like to weigh myself regularly (twice a week) to keep track of my progress. I will focus on positive thinking and uni work. I will focus on effective time management, a clean and organized house and a de-stressed and peaceful mind. I will watch less television, sleep more and start reading a new book.
I have all the potential in the world and I know I can do this. I have a lot of will power, determination and passion that has only temporarily been lost. I will suceed not only with my weight loss but in getting my life back on track and heading in the direction of my goals. I miss being happy and balanced and free and I will regain it. I am doing this for myself and nobody else, in order to be the best me I can be. I desire to exceed expectations as a partner to Ben, but before I can truly do that I must love myself. This is not another doomed to fail diet plan to quickly lose weight, become obsessed with food and calories and numbers. This is the start of a new era in my life were I can take pride in myself, choose to be happy and achieve my goals by changing my habits and continuously making positive decisions, nothing can stop me now.
Today went horribly wrong. It was fine until just after lunch...the binge mentality came about. I brought a granola type bar and a diet coke after my lunch and afternoon snack, I felt bad but satisfied...but all the way home I knew what would happen. And it did. BINGE.
I am guessing but I would say I would have consumed in the realms of 2500, and whats worse...no bootcamp. I was invited to go running and rejected the offer. I should have gone. It was a hunger I could not full and I knew that all along. I didn't/havnt purged and I won't. My boyfriend is home, if he wasn't I would but its too much of a risk, so I am going to have to live with it.
Tomorrow I will continue as usual with my diet. These things happen and I don't want to fixate on it and end up doing it again.
Breakfast = 272
2 slices of Lekkerbot (205)
½ can Pam’s Tuna in Spring-water (35)
½ Tomato (10)
Plunger Coffee with 60ml Extra Slim Milk (22)
Snack = 74
1 Apple (60)
1 Carrot (14)
Lunch = 258
1 sachet Pam’s Rich Tomato Soup (53)
2 slices of Lekkerbot (205)
Snack = 74
1 Apple (60)
1 Carrot (14)
Dinner = 150
Cauliflower and Pumpkin Curry (150.4)
172 calories remain. I could have more curry if I feel the need.
Today was a success :-) I had a muesli bar too as a snack (114.8 calories). Unfortunately I didn't manage to go running. I did the groceries and forgot my card! So got home a little later than expected and it was dark.
I didn't feel hungry today, it was nice. 1000 calories a day is something I feel I could easily maintain for a month, perhaps even two or three. My only worry is when I, say - go out for dinner? Or have to have a meal with someone. In two or three weeks I am going to an MMA event, we have booked a table and paid $70 per person so I can't not eat when there is meals and drinks provided as part of our tickets. I was thinking to account for occasions such as this, instead of starving all day so I don't have to worry about the meal I would allow 2 days per month were I can be less ridged - I could have a lower calorie day and allocate say 400 cals for the dinner and make the right choices of corse when choosing what to eat.
Today went well. I did eat 1 brazil nut, although I couldn't finish dinner so Im happy. I had 3 1/2 750ml bottles of water and walked 3.6km with Rachel we also did 80 exercises, I feel so much better....it had been an entire week since I did any exercise. I will go for a proper run tomorrow and do more exercises, then once more over the weekend and do Pilates one day too.
Grocery shopping tomorrow and I need to get some meal plans together to write my list.
Food plan for tomorrow:
Breakfast - Tuna on toast with coffee, 287.7 cal
Total - 870.2 cal
31 Days until Fiji.
Weigh day today after months of staring clear of the scales.
I think I will weigh weekly.
712.3 calories remain.
Im thinking leftovers from last night for lunch - 200cal
144.8cal remaining for snacks -
Todays total - 994.2 calories
This afternoon I had an apple as a snack. I also had two cups of green tea to warm up.
Total: 1059.5 calories
Its not perfect but Im happy. Also boot camp was canceled because it was raining. Tomorrow I will go running with Rachel and I will exercise every day until the end of the week.
I have researched a lot of recipes today and started cataloging calories.
Weighing tomorrow... Am a bit nervous.