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I am losing the will to face this world on my own.
Current Mood:
lonely lonely
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6th day and I havn't been doing too bad at all. Today I am going to a doctor to get antibiotics for a UTI....I am also going to attempt to convince the doctor to let me trial Duromine. I have massive doubts anyone woud put me on it but my plan is to say somehing like: Tell me about duromine? I have issues with binge eating and would like to trial it for about a month as I would like to lose about 8kg, I exercise regularly but have issues controlling my appetite, resulting in a weight gain of 5 kg in about 3 months - I feel as though durimine would assist in my weight loss and help me to take control of my eating habbits. I have done reasearch on Duromine and am aware  of the side effects - what do you think of the possibility of putting me on a highly monitored trial? 

Hmmmm. I am expecting a big NO, but hope like hell I get a doctor who is willing to help me out here! Wish me luck. x

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Day 4. I have stuck to my plan. I have been eating mostly fruit and vegetables and have been successful in eating less carbs. If I was to perfect my current regime it would be to snack less. Snacks are usually fruit, yoghurt and 1-2 tbsp maple syrup and carrots. I would like to buy some batteries for my scales so I can keep track of my weight over time, so I will do so this weekend.

It all seems so slow. I feel so cold and tired and just want to go to bed. I have a bladder infection and need to go to the doctors, I want to ask my doctor about Duromine. I would really like to go on it for a period of 1-2 months. With little appetite and a lot of energy I feel like I could overcome binge-eating, be more productive due to increased energy, lose weight and feel better about myself overall. But I know that my doctor would never prescribe me that medication. I am not considered over weight but could stand to lose the 8-9kg I have put on over the last year and a 1/2. I will try. I exercise more than your average person yet have been gaining weight - so if I could get a handle on my eating habits, with the assistance of Duromine I could achieve my weight loss goal. ARGH. It just seems so necessary. I will continue to stick to my plan and I hope to lose between .5-1kg per week over the next 3 1/2 months.
Current Mood:
frustrated frustrated
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Watching television the other day I saw a woman who was suggested to have borderline personality disorder. I could see features of her in me and it has sparked a curiosity.
I don't want to label myself as something I am not. I don't want to mould my symptoms into something that has been defined. So I am trying to be as objective as possible about this. I started to research what the disorder is classified as in order to see if my resonance with the woman was anything worth investigating. The results are quite mixed. I have felt, attest since I was 14 (7 1/2 years), that there was something not quite right with me, but have never had a definitive answer to why the hell I have such a hard time just being 'normal'.

I have done multiple online quiz's as an indication and all have resulted in a high likeliness of severe borderline personality disorder. I would like to research more to see if this is something I can dismiss as me being a hypochondriac.

One quiz looking at a broad field of personality disorders was helpful...

Quiz results...Collapse )

I thought I would write out my 'symptoms', if you will, to help with objectivity:

Frequent periods of severe depression
Feelings of emptiness
Emotionally unstable
Compulsive over eating, bulimia, anorexic behaviors, compulsive spending, drug abuse
Suicidal thoughts
Anti-social - have little/no friends, find it difficult to relate to others
Argumentative and angry towards family
Paranoid when alone - hearing things that aren't there, worried about peoples perceptions of me
Unusual train of thought - views and ideologies as well as actual train of thought is not typical
Exhausted a lot of the time
Always feel the need to be in an intense relationship
Sexually promiscuous
Unstable behavior measured over long period of time
Narcissistic
Afraid of being alone/lonely
Unable to manage stress
Hold high expectations for myself that cannot often be obtained
History of self-destructive behavior/self-punishment

Does anyone know about borderline personality disorder that could point me in the right direction with my concerns?

As I said I do not want to fit myself into something I am not. If this is what I have, if anything, I would gain an awareness that I never had before. I would be able to manage my life better and reach for the right kind of support.

And that is all I have to say about that.
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Change is about.

Over the last 3 or so months I have been losing it. I am depressed, paranoid, stressed, emotional, lonely, exhausted, angry, sad and unstable. I have even contemplated suicide at times. I hate my body. Although I continue to run I have been finding comfort in food, and over eating has now become a habit I have failed to break. Gaining weight I so desperately want to lose only makes my self esteem plummet as I close the door behind me on this vicious cycle. I have formed an even deeper irrational fear of almost everything.

It is time once again to focus on losing weight and gaining my self-confidence back. It is clear to me that exercise is not the issue. I can maintain that, I can even say that I am reasonably fit, but so long as I keep eating I will not lose weight. Its the food habits that must change or I will continue on this downward spiral.

Last night I stumbled across this photograph and it sparked something in me. A determination I have not felt for a long time.



I am now ready to fight the fight and win, for the last goddamn time. My goal or time frame I have set for myself is Christmas. I must not starve, I will do this right and find the balance between continuous weight loss and extreme behavior that backfires time and time again.

This week I will begin my journey with predominantly fruit and vegetables taking a minimalistic approach to carbohydrates such as oats, bread, rice and pasta. Red meat is not off the menu however lean amounts can be eaten up to 3 times per week. Nuts, seeds, tofu, dairy and tuna will also be apart of my diet, sidelining whole foods. Drink a minimum of 1 litre of water per day.

Menu

Breakfast:
  1. Stewed rhubarb or apple, 2 tbsp sultanas, acidophilus yoghurt, 1 tbsp maple syrup. Coffee with trim milk.
  2. 2 vogals toast with tuna in spring water. Coffee with trim milk.
  3. 1 vogals toast with 2 scrambled eggs. Coffee with trim milk.
  4. Fruit salad with yoghurt. Coffee with trim milk.
Lunch:
  1. Soup with fruit.
  2. Dinner leftovers.
  3. Salad sandwich.
  4. Salad or vegetables.
  5. Baked potato with tomato and tuna.
Dinner:
  1. Moroccan carrot spinach and chickpea salad.
  2. Soup.
  3. Vegetable based dish with 1/2 cup carbohydrates.
  4. Cauliflower and pumpkin curry.
  5. Spicy vege pilaf.
  6. Tuna spagetti with spinach leaves, olives, red onion and tomato.
Snacks:
  1. Fruit.
  2. Carrot sticks.
  3. Yoghurt.
  4. Corn thins with tomato, avocado, cheese and chutney etc.
Liquid:
  1. Water.
  2. Fruit Juice.
  3. Green Tea.
Exercise:

Exercise 3 - 4+ times per week, from the following list.
Running, Pilates, 1 hour of Resistance Exercises, Yoga, Walking.


Based on this menu and exercise I expect to lose about .5kg per week on average and perhaps even up to 1kg. I currently have no scale batteries but will get some as I would like to weigh myself regularly (twice a week) to keep track of my progress. I will focus on positive thinking and uni work. I will focus on effective time management, a clean and organized house and a de-stressed and peaceful mind. I will watch less television, sleep more and start reading a new book.

I have all the potential in the world and I know I can do this. I have a lot of will power, determination and passion that has only temporarily been lost. I will suceed not only with my weight loss but in getting my life back on track and heading in the direction of my goals. I miss being happy and balanced and free and I will regain it. I am doing this for myself and nobody else, in order to be the best me I can be. I desire to exceed expectations as a partner to Ben, but before I can truly do that I must love myself. This is not another doomed to fail diet plan to quickly lose weight, become obsessed with food and calories and numbers. This is the start of a new era in my life were I can take pride in myself, choose to be happy and achieve my goals by changing my habits and continuously making positive decisions, nothing can stop me now.
Current Mood:
determined
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Day 5.

Today went horribly wrong. It was fine until just after lunch...the binge mentality came about. I brought a granola type bar and a diet coke after my lunch and afternoon snack, I felt bad but satisfied...but all the way home I knew what would happen. And it did. BINGE.
I am guessing but I would say I would have consumed in the realms of 2500, and whats worse...no bootcamp. I was invited to go running and rejected the offer. I should have gone. It was a hunger I could not full and I knew that all along. I didn't/havnt purged and I won't. My boyfriend is home, if he wasn't I would but its too much of a risk, so I am going to have to live with it.

Tomorrow I will continue as usual with my diet. These things happen and I don't want to fixate on it and end up doing it again.

Tomorrows plan:

Breakfast = 272
2 slices of Lekkerbot (205)
½ can Pam’s Tuna in Spring-water (35)
½ Tomato (10)
Plunger Coffee with 60ml Extra Slim Milk (22)

Snack = 74
1 Apple (60)
1 Carrot (14)

Lunch = 258
1 sachet Pam’s Rich Tomato Soup (53)
2 slices of Lekkerbot (205)

Snack = 74
1 Apple (60)
1 Carrot (14)

Dinner = 150
Cauliflower and Pumpkin Curry (150.4)

172 calories remain. I could have more curry if I feel the need.
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Today was a success :-) I had a muesli bar too as a snack (114.8 calories). Unfortunately I didn't manage to go running. I did the groceries and forgot my card! So got home a little later than expected and it was dark.

I didn't feel hungry today, it was nice. 1000 calories a day is something I feel I could easily maintain for a month, perhaps even two or three. My only worry is when I, say - go out for dinner? Or have to have a meal with someone. In two or three weeks I am going to an MMA event, we have booked a table and paid $70 per person so I can't not eat when there is meals and drinks provided as part of our tickets. I was thinking to account for occasions such as this, instead of starving all day so I don't have to worry about the meal I would allow 2 days per month were I can be less ridged - I could have a lower calorie day and allocate say 400 cals for the dinner and make the right choices of corse when choosing what to eat.

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Today went well. I did eat 1 brazil nut, although I couldn't finish dinner so Im happy. I had 3 1/2 750ml bottles of water and walked 3.6km with Rachel we also did 80 exercises, I feel so much better....it had been an entire week since I did any exercise. I will go for a proper run tomorrow and do more exercises, then once more over the weekend and do Pilates one day too.

Grocery shopping tomorrow and I need to get some meal plans together to write my list.

Food plan for tomorrow:

Breakfast - Tuna on toast with coffee, 287.7 cal
Snack - Apple, 60 cal
Lunch - 4 corn thins (94cal), 1/2 tomato (10cal), 5 fijoas (55cal), 159 cal
Snack - Orange with 100g yoghurt, 103 cal
Dinner - Pumpkin and cauliflower curry with 1/2 cup cooked rice, 260.5 cal

Total - 870.2 cal
Remaining 129.8 cal

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31 Days until Fiji.

Weigh day today after months of staring clear of the scales.
63.8kg. I am content with that as a start number. My goal is to lose 3.8kg in 31 days. It seems a very reasonable goal providing I stay within 1000 calories a day and exercise 4 times a week.

I think I will weigh weekly.

Breakfast:
Tuna on toast and a coffee - 287.7cal

712.3 calories remain.

Im thinking leftovers from last night for lunch - 200cal
Two baked potatoes with tuna, cheese and tomato with streamed veggies - 367.7cal

144.8cal remaining for snacks -
x1 apple
x1 orange
x2 carrots (Sticks)

Todays total - 994.2 calories

Current Mood:
optimistic optimistic
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This afternoon I had an apple as a snack. I also had two cups of green tea to warm up.

Total: 1059.5 calories

Its not perfect but Im happy. Also boot camp was canceled because it was raining. Tomorrow I will go running with Rachel and I will exercise every day until the end of the week.

I have researched a lot of recipes today and started cataloging calories.

Weighing tomorrow... Am a bit nervous.

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